SOC-007
 My Peanusts for size anhd also i was eating them | |
| Stats | |
|---|---|
| Status | Owwww |
| Researcher | faultychips |
The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour was found by Stupid Object Researchers in a dirty little hole on the side of the road. It is a Gun, found loaded with 1 cartridge. The gun does not fire when the trigger is pulled, and appears to do nothing when loaded and fired at a non-human target. When loaded and fired at a human target, the Stupid Effects of the gun manifest, and causes the human target to feel the pain of being shot with a gun for approximately five seconds before completely recovering. The gun makes a firing sound when pointed at a human target, but still does not actually fire or dispense a cartridge; it appears this is simply a "noise to get you scared". Anomalous effects were discovered when Researcher █████ attempted to fire the gun about 29 times into the surrounding landscape to no result, then immediately aimed The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour at their foot and fired. Researcher █████ was, quote, "hopping up and down screaming and holding their foot like a Looney Tunes Character" for a few seconds before stopping in surprise and regaining composure. Researcher █████ commented later that the experience was "actually kind of... funnnn?".
It was later discovered that adding filling the Gun's cylinder with the maximum 6 cartridges causes the Stupid Effects to increase exponentially, causing the pain to last about an hour. Any cartridge amount below 6 only produces 5 seconds.
It is now a common pastime of bored Stupid Objects researchers to remove The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour from its designated Table and "shoot" each other with it. Using the 5 seconds setting of course. If you use the hour version you're a dickAddendum: The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour is no longer allowed to be removed from the designated Table following the "Shoot The Entire World" Event on May ██, 20██.
The "Shoot The Entire World" Event
On May ██, 20██, assigned Head Researcher of The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour, Faultychips, was caught attempting to line up all of the Stupid Objects researchers in the department in a line behind himself to "see if [he] could shoot all of them at once". When questioned, it was revealed that Head Researcher Faultychips was drafting a plan to, quote, "line everyone on Earth up and try to shoot them all at the same time", reasoning that "it just seems like it would be REALLY funny. And uh I guess maybe people could find commonality and connection through it idk". Thankfully Researcher Faultychips seemed to encounter a personal crisis--something along the lines of whether babies should be exempt-- which gave other researchers enough time to awkwardly exit the line and shuffle away.
Researcher Faultychips is allowed to remain Head Researcher for The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour but he is no longer allowed to eat his peanuts and get them all over the table while he observes The Gun That Hurts For 5 Seconds or An Hour anymore. From Faultychips' reaction, this seems to be adequate punishment and there shouldn't be more Shoot The Entire World events.